In August of 2011 the diagnosis came. It was pancreatic cancer. In November of 2011 we lost him, dad. Those three months lasted an eternity. It was a roller coaster of emotion, pain and disappointment. I didn’t know it but my soul longed for relief. Some outlet to get me through.
My mind was numb, my soul was weary, and I suddenly had a longing. A longing I hadn’t had since I experienced depression in high school. A longing that isn’t satisfied by the everyday things in life.
I remember opening my laptop. I don’t even know what I was looking for. Just something. Something that would get me through another afternoon watching dad lie in his bed dying. I somehow stumbled across an online journal and immediately got busy making an account for dad.
I had unconsciously found what I was looking for. Here I could journal about dad’s progress, and family members could read my posts and keep up to date about how he was doing. Every time we had another difficult moment I thought I wouldn’t live through I would open up my laptop and write. WRITE!
I didn’t know it at the time but writing was my thing. Writing relieved the pain, cleared my mind, and was the very thing I had relied on in high school when I was hurting and lost.
Today I can finally see that I need to write. It’s what my soul longs for. It doesn’t have a lot of rhyme or reason to it right now. I don’t know what it means or where it’s leading. I just know it’s something I have to do. It’s a natural part of who I am.
We don’t need an expert to tell us who we are and what we should be doing. Somewhere deep inside of us we already know. In the depths of my depression in high school I picked up a pen and a journal and began to write. Somewhere in the midst of dad dying I opened my laptop and began to write.
Somehow in the midst of my mid-life/career crisis I picked up my journal, pen and laptop and began to do what I should have always been doing. Perhaps if I had been writing this whole time I wouldn’t be facing the life crisis that I am once again.
I would encourage you to look at your life. In the time of greatest distress and pain what do you go to? Do you decorate your home, write, paint, sculpt, sew or cook? Where does your mind start to wonder? Hmmm…maybe I should sketch again. Yes, maybe you should.
We are all creative creatures. Our creativity is inside of us, and we can find it if we are observant. Beautiful art is created during dark times. It casts a light at the end of the tunnel, and shows us the way out.
Where does your mind wonder when you are in pain?
Perhaps that is where you are meant to create.